Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Diversity of youth in Oslo Norway.jpg

This photograph is displayed on Wikipedia with the caption: "A group of youth interacting."

(from L-R):
"Ugh, I hate interacting."
"Come on, Rita. Let your belly hang out! You'll see--it's great!"
"No. I hate everything."
"Hey camera. Interact with this guy."
"That girl still crying? What is girls' problem? I'll give her something to cry about when I let this gum roll out the side of my mouth into her hair."

Wild Rice and Brown Rice Salad With Walnuts and Asparagus??!?!

I think right after I posted about my unhealthy obsession with the New York Times' Recipes for Health section, Martha Rose Shulman started making really disgusting-looking recipes. Like today's White Bean Puree, which can be thinned with milk. Ew. Bean puree with milk?! What happened to you, Martha? Scambled Eggs and Assparagus?! There's no cheese in that. Barley and Mushroom Salad with English Peas? A photograph of that does not make my mouth water.

It wasn't so long ago we were enjoying saliva-worthy images of Pureed Potato and Brocolli Soup with Parmesan Croutons and Japanese Spinach with Sesame Dressing and Black Bean Chili.

But now it's all quinoa and walnuts. Get with the program.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Grammar hawk, not budget hawk

Open For Questions, a blog featuring the best of the best questions submitted to our dear president.

Here's one of my favorites:
"We are expected to have fiscal responsibility. Why isn't congress and the White House not doing the same thing?"
Metallic, La Marque, TX

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Vote yes or no

If I had to pick Bristol Palin or Meghan McCain to hang out with, I'd pick Bristol. Because a) she would probably bring one or more babies, and b) her name is spelled like it sounds. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's not Meghan's fault that her name is spelled that way or that she's chosen to practice family planning. Well, you can't deny that she chose to wear that giant bow in her hair.

I mean, come on. Let's get real.

From the Onion News Network

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Love that Fucking Bitch

This is probably my favorite sketch that I ever wrote. The sound quality isn't great cause it's live. Also, the link at the end kind of ruins things, but you get the idea.

Friday, March 20, 2009

It's like when you wrote newsletters in 7th grade

The great thing about Wikinews is that anyone can write about anything!

No wonder

Now I understand why people make movies about the Mafia.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's no xkcd, but...

Have you seen The Perry Bible Fellowship website?* It's got some very funny cartoons. This is one of my favorites, but the longer I click "random," the more favorites I have.

*Hat-tip to Andrew

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

...But I fantasize about gestational diabetes

"I chose to get vaccinated because my dreams don't include cervical cancer." -Gardasil commercial

Monday, March 16, 2009

Pee Prank

I had to do research for a job, and came across this. You know how it is.

Friday, March 13, 2009

How do rich people do it?

Those of you who've loaned me money or mugged me know that I don't carry much cash. I usually only take out about $20 at a time, with the reasoning that if I have more money in my wallet, I will spend it. Even though I know from experience that this has no impact on how much I spend (since I just end up using my free money card, which is cheaper), I still make a habit of it. Also, I often only have about $23 in my bank account. So $20 is the largest amount I can withdraw.

But a couple of days ago, I needed to take out $200, because I was having an improv practice, and paying back my boyfriend for part of a plane ticket. Also, I was getting a hair cut, and I hate putting the tip on my credit card, because then you just have that awkward moment where you’re like “Thank you, looks great,” and the stylist is like, “Thank you, I’m glad you like it,” and then she is still standing there, so you’re like, “I really really like it. It looks perfect,” and she’s like “You’re welcome, you’ve got beautiful hair,” and she kind of smiles at you, and you’re like, “You will be handsomely rewarded, I’m sure” and she’s like, “Oh, you don't have t--” and you say, “Well, got to go,” and then she sweeps off and probably Thinks Bad Thoughts about you.

So I go to the ATM in the CVS across the street, and I withdraw my $200 with kind of a thrill in my chest, because in my world that is A Lot of Money. The 20s come out of the machine pat-pat-pat-pat and I fold them up in my pocket and go back to work.

Later that day, I take them out of my pocket to put in my wallet. But first, I count them, and, horrified, discover there are 2 extra 20s!

Stealing! What bad karma!

Of course, I checked first to make sure I hadn’t accidentally withdrawn $240, but no, there it was on my bank statement: $200.

So I contemplate going back to the ATM, but it wasn’t in a bank, so I would just have to give the money back to a CVS employee, which doesn’t seem 100% right, either, because they’d probably just spend it on booze and pocket-sized Kleenex packets.

Then I thought I would give it to a homeless person. I’d wrap the money in a single, so as not to make a scene when I dropped it in their bucket.

I decided to go back to the ATM, get the phone number off of it, and then if they were like, “Keep it, lady,” I’d call my mom to ask her what the Talmud says about this sort of thing.

On my way back from the ATM, I suddenly realized that there are 5 $20 bills in a $100. Not 4, like with quarters in a dollar (a denomination I deal with much more frequently), but 5.

Which led to my one allotted use of the word “retarded” for today.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Aslan symbolized lasagna

I read a book by C.S. Lewis once where he's like: "If people were staring at photographs of food and drooling, we'd think they had a problem, right? So why don't we think people who look at porn have a problem, y'know?"

And he was right. The amount of time I spend looking at pictures of food online is obscene.

Also, Christianity really is misunderstood by atheists.

And it's not junk food that attracts me (although I do admire soupy melted cheese). It's attractively arranged healthy food, like in the Recipes for Health section of the New York Times. I check it at least once a day to see what delightful concoction Martha Rose Shulman has arranged for my viewing pleasure. Not like that rogue Mark Bittman, who often posts recipes with NO ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPHS. What is the point?

I don't have time to watch videos where Bittman makes adorable comments and the snazzy intro music lasts as long as the entire segment. I just want to see some meat. Some cheese. Something sizzling. Something dripping. Gurgle.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ich bin ein croissant.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Thinking About Burritos

This is my favorite SNL sketch (of the 90s?).

Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!

Detective Rick Stone: I'm sorry. I don't get too many beautiful women in here.

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don't get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of 'em when I buy 'em and bring 'em here. Ma-a-ann, I'm starving. I haven't eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that's made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don't know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It's me. It's cool. Burrito.


I’m making myself a budget I can really stick to.

Incidentals: $50

Monday, March 2, 2009

Foxstamp (Murphy)

Hey! Foxstamp Murphy has made it to the big leagues (YouTube).