Friday, January 30, 2009

We are

the top hit if you google "dystopian food."

Lesson Plan for February 12

Gather round, children! Today we are celebrating a very special occasion. Our nation’s sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln, would have celebrated his 200th birthday today. But he isn’t celebrating with us, because he’s dead.

Lincoln was an important advocate for national unity during a time of war. He helped bring an end to the tragic history of slavery in this country. Then, he was shot by John Wilkes Booth. He held on for a bit, but soon he died.

None of that changes the wonderful event we’re celebrating today—the birth of a great man who would be dead by now anyway, even if he hadn’t been assassinated.

So please, take a look at the age-appropriate biographies we’ve selected for you, visit the “wax museum” of important figures from the Lincoln Era, and enjoy some of these delicious top hat-shaped sugar cookies, decorated by Mrs. Smithson, our 3rd grade PTA representative.

And if you take away anything from today’s activities, let it be this: we’re all going to die someday; and probably, in 200 years, no one will care if we ever lived.

Maybe next year

I seem to have missed the boat on this one (I also missed out on the "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" video until like a week ago...oops!). It's a Nice Jewish Guys 2009 calendar. I like the description of Daniel (May?) as "the guy you grow to love."

Sent it to my friend Deb, who responded, "Hey, that's my friend Andrew on the left! I'm gonna have to make fun of him for this." So Jewish geography even works with calendars you find on the internet?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Unfortunate listing

$850 109St & Broadway Huge female roommate wanted (Upper West Side)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Should I just do a dystopian food blog?

Since this blog is mostly a compilation of dystopian foods I encounter on the internet and elsewhere, I figured I had to post a link to this horrifying concoction. I know, it's not fair just to not like things cause they're made out of bacon or shrimp, but come on. Woven bacon wrapped around pork sausage wrapped around crunchy bacon? I think if this was made out of something I like, like potatoes, I'd be into it. As it is, kind of makes me want to puke. Even the people making this seem a little worried that it's disgusting. Like, "Jim, are you sure you want to do this?" "Yes, Chuck. This is how I want to go."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Second and a half course

They were followed by pureed sweet potatoes and then miniature corn muffins, into which a small piece of corn husk had been baked. A 2005 Goldeneye Pinot Noir accompanied the main course.

Dessert service was interrupted when Senator Ted Kennedy, who is undergoing treatment for brain cancer, had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital.

But the show must go on and a cinnamon apple cake with vanilla bean ice cream, sautéed apple cubes and sauce was served with Korbel champagne.
That description of the post-inaugural luncheon can by found on the New York Times blog. Apparently, the food section of the inaugural website was the most visited leading up to the big day. The site offers views of the china (replicas of the Lincoln china) and centerpieces (hideous clashing pink and red roses) that were used at the luncheon. You can also download the recipes from the last three inaugural luncheons so that you and your American Girl Doll can experience this Great Moment in American History at home.

What they don't tell you is that Kennedy's seizure was accompanied by a 2007 Sauvignon Blanc from Napa Valley.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Every time I take a bite

Ever think about how pissed off you are making some tuna?

They will find you.

Yatta, yes please

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Do I know all the words to every song on the soundtrack? Yes, yes I do.

I think I learned everything I needed to know about being a teenager from Empire Records. It came out when I was 10, and I watched it religiously with my best friend Lauren all through middle school. We made our screensavers lines from the movie, blasted the soundtrack in the car, and dressed almost as poorly as the characters in the film. I don't really have a memory for pop culture, but this is one movie I can honestly say I remember everything about.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I don't want to be all like shrimp are gross. But seriously.

Friday, January 16, 2009


Check out my new calendar on the left!

Happy baby crocodiles

I'm not really an animal person, per se, but who can resist animals that look like they are smiling? And most baby animals except for newborn pandas?

Is this really news?


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Recent poll reveals

That the largest group of people would rather be napping than doing whatever they are doing.

That is pretty pathetic, but at least we are not the birds responsible for the Airbus a320 emergency landing in the Hudson. They must be feeling very foolish for giving Jay Leno something to make a joke about.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Flying cars!

Wheeeeeee! Finally! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: flying cars are awesome. The Parajet Skycar (pictured below with its inventor) took off from London today en route to Timbuktu (can we all agree Timbuktu is the best place to travel in a zany British flying contraption?).

It was built by a zany British inventor named Giles Cardozo, and, like all zany British inventions, accompanied by its fair share of adorable indigenous stereotypes.

''I just can't wait to see their faces when we fly in and start playing football with them,'' [Cardozo] said. ''I don't think they will be able to believe somebody in a flying car has just visited them.''

Monday, January 12, 2009

Arthropod anxiety

Jim Klinger owns the world's largest millipede (38.7 cm). But sometimes the arthropod wonders if Jim only loves him because he's famous.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Stupid people are stupid

This morning on the train I was seated for several stops on the train next to one of those awful blond people with a Chanel bag. Everything this woman did was designed to make me hate her. She swept her perfectly waved blond hair out of her face to reapply her lipstick and gloss, removed her Burberry sunglasses and replaced them in their case. Then, she took out her *pink* Blackberry to check a few things—probably—and finally turned up the volume on her iTouch so that I could hear the thumping in the background of the latest Katy Perry single.

Every single one of the defense mechanisms I built up in a high school full of people like this came crashing out of the gate. “Boy, she looks dumb with all that make-up on,” I thought. “I bet she think it’s cool to be stupid.” “I’ll just continue reading my theology book called ‘The River of Light’” and “I think my purple painted fingernails look funky, so I don’t care if hers are perfectly manicured” and finally, inevitably: “What a cunt.”

Only then, in my head, she started responding to what I was thinking and told ME that I was the one with a problem and that I really ought to dress up and enjoy life while I was young and beautiful. And she said nobody likes poor people, and that why didn’t I brush my hair?

So I punched the bitch, and in my rage, I got off at the wrong stop.

I need to get out of this city.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Personal Statement

My roommate needed help writing his personal statement for math grad school. His original version was a little lacking in personality. Here’s what I came up with:

“Bang!” went my backpack as I slammed it down on the kitchen table after a long day of school. I grabbed a banana from the counter and took a big bite.

“Mom, I’m late for sailing practice!” I yelled as I ran upstairs to change into my drysuit. It was a beautiful day in my upper middle class neighborhood of Miami—the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the smell of Cuban food wafted gently on the breeze.

“But Jonny, don’t you need to do your math homework first?” my Swedish-born mother asked me with a hint of an accent. I rolled my eyes.

“Mom, you don’t understand me at all. Sailing comes first.”

It was true. Sailing had always come first. Ahead of school, ahead of family. I was so young that I thought feeling alive meant I was really living.

Out in the bay, I smiled broadly from behind my sunglasses. The water was nice and even, the sun was shining, and I hadn’t a care in the world. My sailing teammates and I rocked gently back and forth on the surface, turning bronze in the shining sun.

Suddenly, I heard a cry for help.

“Help! Help!”

I whipped around. An old woman had fallen off the edge of the dock and into the water. She wasn’t wearing a lifejacket and she didn’t look like she knew how to swim because she was flailing around and screaming for help. I needed to get over to her, and fast.

But how could I get my boat to move that quickly? How high should I raise the sail and in what direction? The sail was a triangle. If the length of the edge opposite the right angle was 7 feet, then how many degrees should the angle adjacent to the hypotenuse be extended? I tried to remember sine and cosine from that day’s math class, but my mind was completely blank. I hadn’t learned math, and now I learned the consequences.

Helpless, alongside my drunken teammates, I watched the old woman drown.

That night, I came home late, feeling wretched. Soundlessly, I threw myself into my estranged father’s arms. Never again would I put sailing before math and family.

It is this traumatizing experience that has led me to pursue graduate studies in the Mathematics Department of the University of Florida. A Master’s degree in mathematics would not only extend my undergraduate foundation and allow me to progress to a doctoral degree, it would also prevent another terrible tragedy like this one.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Lazy posting

SF just commented on my post below with this site:

It's written by Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor) of The Office, who may be my favorite character and writer on the show.