Monday, April 28, 2008

Literary Toiletries from Harper-Jergens

Everything Is Illuminated Foaming Cleanser

The Invisible Man Self-Tanning Spray

For the Relief of Unbearable Urges Anti-Diarrheal Medication

The Feminine Mystique Tampons

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Protein Powder

Monday, April 14, 2008

I hope they do an encore!

Oooh, that concert was so amazing! My throat hurts from screaming! I have never spent $32.50 so well before. I hope they do an encore!

The lights are still down, so that’s a good sign. But on the other hand, the house lights have come up a bit. Or am I just imagining it? It might be the beer messing with my light-sensitivity. OMG, did someone just walk onstage?!

No, it’s just a techie.

They won’t come out if the house lights come up. That’ll mean they’ve given the signal that they’re going to call it a night. Don’t they know their fans are out here waiting? We need to make some noise!

Oh man oh man oh man! What if they don’t come back out? I swear I’ll kill someone. Everybody cheer louder!

Woo! Woooooooooo! Wooo [hack hack hack cough].

I can’t cheer anymore. My hands are raw from clapping. Just come back please. I swear I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll rev up the crowd to give you that energy you crave! I’ll get the crowd on its feet! I’ll get everyone to do the wave! Or pull out their cell phones and wave them around just around like little lighthouses calling your music home to port! For chrissakes, just get back out here!

Oh man. If they keep the lights down all this time and then they don’t come out, I am going to be so pissed. I can’t handle that kind of disappointment.

Fuck it, I’m leaving.

Excuse me, I need to get through. I'm giving up. We just didn't want it badly enough.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Is that them? They’re coming back! They just needed to get some water! Look at that!

I can’t believe I ever doubted you—oh, Matchbox 20, I love you.